Dear Kate,
Yesterday, I got it wrong. You were struggling with an activity and I told you to try again. You said it was too hard and I told you to keep trying. You didn't yell or scream or rebel. You sat still, staring directly at the wall ahead and tears slid silently down your cheeks. I felt uncomfortably large and contemptibly mean. You waited until I told you that when you felt sad you should cry, and then you collapsed into my lap and shook and howled.
Then it was my turn to cry silently while I remembered that I was homeschooling you to avoid this very situation. I was homeschooling you because I was the one who could teach you slowly and repetitively and patiently . I was the one who would understand that you weren't being lazy, but some days, certain neurological pathways just wouldn't work as well as they did on others.
When you calmed down, you told me that it was just like school, when you couldn't spell a word and the teacher told you to try again and again and then again....you just wanted someone to tell you how to do it, so you would know how. You just wanted a kind word when you were trying hard, success or failure.
I apologised and told you I would be more patient and that you were allowed to remind me of that. I fed you something that I shouldn't have fed you (bribery/future incentive/guilt gift) and we did an activity you enjoyed. Suddenly you were smiling at me, and I felt at little less overly-inflated and prickly and red.
I want to motivate you, not bully you. I want you to approach new tasks with a twinkle of curiosity in your eye, the way you did before you went to school, when you had only experienced praise and admiration for your efforts, before school taught you that you could fail.
The next time we go to a parent-teacher interview (whenever that may be) and the teacher asks you what your goals are, I want to hear you say what YOU want. Last time, you sat up straight as a bean pole and smiled a tightly-stretched smile and said with trepidation and rising intonation, "To be a good girl???". You wanted so much to please your teacher but just didn't know how. For now, I am your teacher and I recognise that I must give you the space and kindness to take your mind away from pleasing others, so you can rekindle your love of learning.
This train of thought brings to mind a quote about learning disorders, that went something along the lines of, "Just remember, that when your child entered school, she only ever intended on being successful and of making you proud.".
I know that you have only ever tried to make me proud and I am proud of you every day.
If you will keep trying, so will I. Or maybe, if I keep trying, so will you???
Love Mum
Yesterday, I got it wrong. You were struggling with an activity and I told you to try again. You said it was too hard and I told you to keep trying. You didn't yell or scream or rebel. You sat still, staring directly at the wall ahead and tears slid silently down your cheeks. I felt uncomfortably large and contemptibly mean. You waited until I told you that when you felt sad you should cry, and then you collapsed into my lap and shook and howled.
Then it was my turn to cry silently while I remembered that I was homeschooling you to avoid this very situation. I was homeschooling you because I was the one who could teach you slowly and repetitively and patiently . I was the one who would understand that you weren't being lazy, but some days, certain neurological pathways just wouldn't work as well as they did on others.
When you calmed down, you told me that it was just like school, when you couldn't spell a word and the teacher told you to try again and again and then again....you just wanted someone to tell you how to do it, so you would know how. You just wanted a kind word when you were trying hard, success or failure.
I apologised and told you I would be more patient and that you were allowed to remind me of that. I fed you something that I shouldn't have fed you (bribery/future incentive/guilt gift) and we did an activity you enjoyed. Suddenly you were smiling at me, and I felt at little less overly-inflated and prickly and red.
I want to motivate you, not bully you. I want you to approach new tasks with a twinkle of curiosity in your eye, the way you did before you went to school, when you had only experienced praise and admiration for your efforts, before school taught you that you could fail.
The next time we go to a parent-teacher interview (whenever that may be) and the teacher asks you what your goals are, I want to hear you say what YOU want. Last time, you sat up straight as a bean pole and smiled a tightly-stretched smile and said with trepidation and rising intonation, "To be a good girl???". You wanted so much to please your teacher but just didn't know how. For now, I am your teacher and I recognise that I must give you the space and kindness to take your mind away from pleasing others, so you can rekindle your love of learning.
This train of thought brings to mind a quote about learning disorders, that went something along the lines of, "Just remember, that when your child entered school, she only ever intended on being successful and of making you proud.".
I know that you have only ever tried to make me proud and I am proud of you every day.
If you will keep trying, so will I. Or maybe, if I keep trying, so will you???
Love Mum
This brought more than a few tears to my eyes, you courageous mum! What you are doing is so worthy and if anyone can make it work, you, with your wit, your fierce intelligence and your unwavering love for Miss Kate, will!
ReplyDeleteYes, you will occasionally stuff it up - expect too much, or the wrong something, lose your patience or raise you voice- but as here, you will find your way back to the better path.
Here's raising a glass to you and the irrepressible Mistress Kate. With love!