Dear Kate,
Today I feel scared to be your parent, and hence another post.
In the meanwhile, since my last post, you have been your usual exceptional self, accomplishing many amazing things and showing the capabilities of your brilliant mind. Since we began homeschooling, your happiness and confidence have grown to the point that you are sometimes impertinent and I secretly love it.
But......
today I am scared. I am scared of damaging you, psychologically, emotionally and academically. I know that with your giftedness comes great sensitivity. I know that your giftedness combined with your disability, places you are up against some pretty terrifying statistics. Statistics that involve rejecting education & society, leading to conduct disorders and prison.
I am scared that my knowledge and frustration separates me from the people close to me.
I am scared that other people's ignorance about twice execptionality makes them discount me and my opinions.
The reason that I feel this way, here and now:
Yesterday I went to a conference. It was about the many children who are just like you. I learnt something new, just as I hoped I would. Something that perhaps is of benefit to you. I drove home bursting with it. I tried telling several people about it (and you are so perceptive and you know me so well, that I probably don't need to tell you, that it was not at the right time and not in the right way).
I didn't get the response I had hoped for and that was difficult after being with a room full of people all day who spoke my language, just as fervently as I did. And that was saddening and frightening because I only have one chance to be your parent and I want to do it well and I want to be supported in doing it.
At times like these, the questions arise and the slow internal combustion begins: the quickening beat of the heart, the dizziness, the blurring vision. I am scared. And the words seem to flow out of me in these moments when I would otherwise burst.
But I am not always scared.
In fact, I mostly feel very confident and I am always delighted to be your parent. This post is nothing if not heartfelt, but you should know that my heart does not always feel heavy.
When I look at you, you are so complete and wonderful and will no doubt bestow upon the world something great. If the world could just advance us a little something on the way.....
Or the government, but then that is a whole new post.
Love Mum
xox
Today I feel scared to be your parent, and hence another post.
In the meanwhile, since my last post, you have been your usual exceptional self, accomplishing many amazing things and showing the capabilities of your brilliant mind. Since we began homeschooling, your happiness and confidence have grown to the point that you are sometimes impertinent and I secretly love it.
But......
today I am scared. I am scared of damaging you, psychologically, emotionally and academically. I know that with your giftedness comes great sensitivity. I know that your giftedness combined with your disability, places you are up against some pretty terrifying statistics. Statistics that involve rejecting education & society, leading to conduct disorders and prison.
I am scared that my knowledge and frustration separates me from the people close to me.
I am scared that other people's ignorance about twice execptionality makes them discount me and my opinions.
The reason that I feel this way, here and now:
Yesterday I went to a conference. It was about the many children who are just like you. I learnt something new, just as I hoped I would. Something that perhaps is of benefit to you. I drove home bursting with it. I tried telling several people about it (and you are so perceptive and you know me so well, that I probably don't need to tell you, that it was not at the right time and not in the right way).
I didn't get the response I had hoped for and that was difficult after being with a room full of people all day who spoke my language, just as fervently as I did. And that was saddening and frightening because I only have one chance to be your parent and I want to do it well and I want to be supported in doing it.
At times like these, the questions arise and the slow internal combustion begins: the quickening beat of the heart, the dizziness, the blurring vision. I am scared. And the words seem to flow out of me in these moments when I would otherwise burst.
But I am not always scared.
In fact, I mostly feel very confident and I am always delighted to be your parent. This post is nothing if not heartfelt, but you should know that my heart does not always feel heavy.
When I look at you, you are so complete and wonderful and will no doubt bestow upon the world something great. If the world could just advance us a little something on the way.....
Or the government, but then that is a whole new post.
Love Mum
xox
So now you need to share your new found knowledge with me!!! Much love to you, you gorgeous, glorious girls!
ReplyDeleteYou're doing a great job. Imagine if she didn't have YOU as her mother - what might her life be like without you? We're constantly asking ourselves what could we have done better, but you are doing the best that you know how to - what more can you do? Feel confident that you are equipping her with the right tools to conquer this world in which she will flourish. You know she will.
ReplyDeleteAlso, know that all children and all parents experience struggles - it's a normal part of parenting and a normal part of growing up. These uncomfortable times help us and our children to grow, it stretches them and is what equips them for the world.
Keep up the good work, but don't get me started on the government....
Thanks comfort. of course I should know all those things, but I do need some reminding. Yes the gvernment...mmmmm
ReplyDeleteWell suburbandiva (as opposed to ruraldiva), it is like this. CAPD is thought by some to be a manisfestation of AD/HD, in 100% of incidences! How's that for a conversation starter? Want to fly up for dinner? Actually don't. You might fly a nasty dose of wall-splattering projectile vomit back to your place afterwards. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's me again (Amanda) having just read these posts (again the tears are welling - but I'm at home today, so they can 'well' freely). I really believe we - parents - can make a difference - but we need strength in our numbers, a united front and persistence. It’s clear that our educators are not going to do it on our behalf.
ReplyDeleteI had a conversation with the assistant principal at Isabel’s school yesterday. A lovely person - I have no doubt - but whose response to my concerns about Isabel’s progress (and the findings from the dyslexia assessment, one of the few I got on the spot: that her reading age is 2 years below her actual age, and her spelling even younger) was ‘oh, but she’s a sweet little thing ..” as if she was some sort of domestic pet that I could keep at my feet as a decoration. I was so incensed – but trying to keep it together, so that all I could mutter was ‘but I’ve been saying since grade 1 that there is an underlying problem , and she’s now half way through grade 4 and we’re no further advanced’ and sort of slink out of her office like an admonished child. Why do I feel powerless in the face of these well intentioned but ultimately ignorant people? I think it must be some sort of latent fear of authority in a school context – I turn to mush, when I should be shouting and beating my chest that their efforts just aren’t good enough.
Anyway – I must now exhale – I have to use the energy from my current angry/grieving stage and turn it into something positive and productive that is going to help Isabel, and help us to support her. We do the best we can.
Best - Amanda
PS - What's CAPD? Still learning ...
ReplyDeleteCAPD is Central Auditory Processing Disorder. I have always thought of it as a phonological processing impairment. It leads to difficulties with spelling and reading and articulation.
ReplyDeleteI have felt the same way in a pricipal's office. Obviously, you don't want to burn any bridges as you are trying to negotiate a better situation for your child. You don't want to be labeled as 'one of those parents'.
I remember desperately trying to be diplomatic, humble, informed, assertive and receptive. I think I probably came across as somewhat weak and desperate. I scampered out of the room when my 15 min time slot was up.
Thanks for your response. While we are still awaiting final reports from the educational psychologist’s cognitive assessment, as well as the findings of the independent dyslexia assessment (my poor Isabel has bravely withstood a battery of tests in the last fortnight) – auditory processing and poor working memory are the consistent verbal reports we’ve had – but I can’t believe that this is believed to ALWAYS manifest alongside ADHD. I admit to being in a constant state of ‘outrage’ or ‘incredulouity’ (does such a word exist….?) but this just seems to be such nonsense! I share your outrage and vehemence!
ReplyDeleteAmanda
Dear melita (i think thats your name super kates mum!), just thought id whats news, which is simultaneously heartbreaking and strangely relieving. Dyslexia the formal diagnosis, with a m. A myriad of manifestations, but finally a framework to work within, and for my beautiful Isabel, confirmation of her intelligence, but also difference. Doesn't make things easier, but just a little clearer. Hope you are experiencing your own break through, or lifting of the fog. All the best to you and Kate. Amanda x
ReplyDeleteMust qualify, this and above message sent via phone with strange prerogative text results....use imagination/ best guess where required.
ReplyDeleteThat of course was predictive text.....and so it goes
ReplyDelete